This is how you feel when you're raised a catholic.....

Her

It's a five letter word
   that infiltrates my veins.
Sometimes hot, or cold
or sharp
or smooth
But relentlessly heavy.
Oh my god, like fucking deuterium!

I can't breathe.
I'm at the bottom of the ocean-
jerking off anemones
swallowing the pain
rich, indulgent dessert.
Impregnation, almost ready to explode
but hold on
and then some more
wait
waiting
almost floating with enlightenment.

And then the slimy fingers of algae takes hold
then the sand
then the water,
tons and tons of salt water
ripping apart my insides.
Here comes the best part-
    you smile
    and I am risen. 

guilty revisions.....

I am now going to state the obvious, the act of revising absolutely sucks!  It's been four, six  okay fine like 8 months and I'm stuck in a place worse than eternal fire; revisions-dum, dum, dum.....(not dumb like stupid but you know a suspenseful-sound)  I can't seem to get past p. 85 of my book and it's driving me crazy.  Don't get me wrong I'm very pleased with the changes and everyday I'm amazed at what my characters have blossomed into but it seems like I've dug a deeper hole than I wanted to.

I began this book on a whim back in 2010 and worked on it sporadically until May of 2012-then everything changed.  There hasn't been a morning since that I haven't worked on it in some capacity until, well until recently.  I want that gut screwing feeling of excitement back that I had when I first began writing, not this constant state of guilt.  How does one get past it?    

I'm currently involved in other projects and reading books that aren't my typical genre.  It's helping a little but I have set a deadline for myself and if this book isn't completed by then I know it's time to move on unless someone out there has any words of wisdom....(I can't stop revising this blog post either!)  

Here are some fun quotes that strike a chord:

I probably spend 90% of my time revising what I've written.
Joyce Carol Oates 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/revising.html#9WEEJGcrx0ykFolI.99 

If things are going well I can easily spend twelve hours a day writing, but not writing writing, just thinking and revising and taking a comma out and putting it back in.
Francine Prose 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/revising.html#9WEEJGcrx0ykFolI.99 

“Books are never finished, they are merely abandoned.”  Oscar Wilde

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”  Ernest Hemingway

“I think the only person a writer has an obligation to is himself. If what I write doesn’t fulfill something in me, if I don’t honestly feel it’s the best I can do, then I’m miserable.”Truman Capote

“The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide.” Charles Horton Cooley

A phrase debunked.

 cu·ri·os·i·ty  

/ˌkyo͝orēˈäsitē/

Noun A strong desire to know or learn something. A strange or unusual object or fact.

     

  Thank you for that clarification, Google.  Okay, so here it is-curiosity killed the cat. I get it, I have a cat and yes he is curious about all things including hiding in plastic bags, walking second story scary-narrow banisters and licking sharply edged metal cans, but none of these things have killed him.  If they did the entire population of felines would be wiped out!  So is it because cats have nine lives that they manage to arise above their inevitable demise of said curiosity? 

    Interesting that the phrase began as 'care' killed the cat and has since evolved to curiosity.  The word care at the time meant worry or sorrow rather than looking after someone.  Click here for the origin of the phrase.  Somewhere in the ages of whisper down the lane, the word care replaces curiosity and the phrase was filed in the arsenal of ignorance to answer those questions people preferred to avoid. Let's see, Mommy where do babies come from?  Oh sweetie, curiosity killed the cat.  Ten years later 'sweetie' remembers curiosity may kill a cat but doesn't realize her boyfriend is about to get her pregnant.  

      I know, a bit dramatic but you see where I'm going with this.  It's 2013 and we know curiosity is as important to the evolution of our race as organic, all natural foods.  So, all hail curiosity as the champion of ignorance! Let's stop the persecution of cats for their curiosity and kill the phrase instead!

1800's

After doing research for my book, I thought to share some interesting facts about life in the 1800's:

Were you aware the first dime novel published in 1860, Malaeska; the Indian Wife of the White Hunter, by Mrs. Anna Sophia Stephens, sold 300,000 copies in just the first year?

With cockfighting, although it was illegal, law enforcers looked the other way to the point that the matches were publicized in newspapers.

The hot dog was introduced in the latter part of the century in St. Louis.

Lizzie Bordon was charged with murder.

Gold fever struck California.

Contraceptives were illegal.

Noah Webster publishes his Compendious Dictionary of the English Language in 1806.

Swear words were abundant.  The list of words provided in my resource seem to be pretty much the same as what we have today however in fear of offended those with delicate ears I will not provide them. However,

 if you would like a private email with a list please let me know.

Tomatoes were thought to be poisonous.  Consumption began in the late 1800's.

Trains traveled at the speed of 20-30 mph, the fastest at 40mph.

Here is an interesting site you might want to check out. It's Dr. Swift's cure for Hysteria,  http://www.explorehistoricalif.com/hysteria.html

Popular books?

Frankenstein, Mary Shelly 1818

The Spy, James Fenimore Cooper 1821

The Last of the Mohicans, James Fenimore Cooper 1826

Nature, Ralph Waldo Emerson 1836

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte 1847

Moby Dick, Herman Melville 1851

Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens 1859

Journey to the Center of the Earth, Jules Verne 1865

Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain 1884

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle 1892

Dracula, Bram Stoker 1897

War of the Worlds, H.G. Wells 1898

(Bram  Stoker's handwritten original writings for Dracula thanks to wikipedia)

If you would like to add one of your favorites please feel free to do so in the comments section.

It's truly amazing to think how some of the most thought-provoking literature was birthed during this era-most of which is still popular in today's culture!

What is your Utopia?

Arcadia, Eden, Elysian Fields, Erewhon, Garden of Eden, Shangri-La, bliss, dreamland, dreamworld, fairyland, heaven, land of milk and honey, never-never land, paradise, perfection, pie in the sky, promised land, seventh heaven,wonderland....

       According to Thesaurus.com these are the synonyms for Utopia.  All of us dream of what our ideal worlds would include-money, fame, happiness...but I want to pose the question, What happens after? 

  

      At this moment in my life I would have to admit that things are going pretty damn well but, am I happy?  Well, yes except.......I want more. First and foremost I want  to be published, I want a better education for my children, I want a better relationship with my family, I want more organization in my life, I want violence to not exist...So is this unreasonable?  Does my very existence depend upon these things? Okay, the answer is 'No' on both counts so essentially I've reached my own Utopia but why don't I feel satisfied?

       I'm a mother, a wife, a woman but mostly human and there is an innate need in all of us for more.  Hell, if the Neanderthal's didn't possess such a need where would we be now?  (Sorry, I'm not into that skins with a matching string of stones look.)  Look what I'm saying is that it's okay to want more however (and this is a HUGE however) it's just as important to take time to look around every time we attempt to climb our individual Mount McKinley, or Kilimanjaro especially Everest!  Even if we don't reach the peak stop and admire the view from your position, take a moment to evaluate if you need to continue, remain still or perhaps retreat only you will know.  This is what happens after, no fireworks appear or an instantaneous transformation-but a quiet understanding, perhaps even an inner peace of sorts and what could be better than that?

     What is your own vision of Utopia?  Have you reached it?  If so, what did you do once you found yourself there?

The Yin-Yang Concept

“When you were born you were crying and everyone else was smiling. Live your life so at the end, your're the one who is smiling and everyone else is crying.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

In my eternal search for balance I've always been interested with the concept of the Yin-Yang, or as some refer to it as Ying-Yang.  Looking upon the symbol most would assume it simply represents opposites (this is the extent to the explanation to my children before that bored expression creeps in their eyes as they twist their hair) but it's more than that.  It's male and female; light and dark; good and evil, all that can not exist without the other therefore you can not fully understand them fully individually.

It's a wonderful tool to use in your writing as well.  Go ahead and insert it into your characters-do they continuously transform one another?  Can one exist without the other?  Now move on to your internal vs. external conflict, are they connected and ascend together?

Shih-tou's poem "The Identity Of Relative And Absolute":

Within light there is darkness,
but do not try to understand that darkness.
Within darkness there is light,
but do not look for that light.
Light and darkness are a pair,
like the foot before and the foot behind in walking.
Each thing has its own intrinsic value
and is related to everything else in function and position.
Ordinary life fits the absolute as a box and its lid.
The absolute works together with the relative,
like two arrows meeting in mid-air.

Do you believe harmony has a place in your writing?

Happy (distracting) Holidays!

It was a fight-a constant struggle and the holidays won.  Even though I continue to set my alarm for 5am to work on my book(my 3rd major revision), it takes me 30-45 minutes to respond to the annoying noise.  At 6am with my cooling coffee next to me and the blinking cursor on the screen-what am I thinking?  Certainly not about my character's next words, no, but  rather did I pick up everything from the grocery store?  Or, should I pick up one more thing for so-and-so.  Don't forget to add vanilla to that-wait-the expensive vanilla not the imitation stuff...

Okay, I've lost my way and now I'm finding it very very difficult to pick up where I left off.  Wouldn't it be easier to just drop the whole thing?  I've already received a rejection to my agent query so shouldn't I quit there?  Everything inside of me screams (NO!) but I'm so tired and my family complains that I work too much.   Where can I sign up for a workshop on balancing one's life?

So calm down, I'm not quitting but instead I'm trying to take it one day at a time.  The inspirational quotes have become my bible of sorts and I try my best not to push too hard right now.  I need to ease my way back into my regimen and drink lots of vodka (just joking).

How do you cope with situations such as these?



Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. 
Thomas Merton 

Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.
Barbara de Angelis 

I don't think balance is something you get from someone else; it's something women have to find from within. For me, finding balance is still a work in progress.
Rachel Weisz 

 

Aurora, CO

Why?

Friday July 20, 2012 7:32am

After my daughter wakes up from her bed, she passes me on the couch as I watch the news.  She notices my tears but doesn't comment.  I murmur a 'Good morning' and my voice cracks.  I sob.  More tears. I need to be strong. She looks at me again, I feel her hesitation before she asks, "What's the matter, Mom?"

Can't she see the images on the tv? The police cars flashing, the dropped popcorn on the side of the road, the blood trail along the sidewalk?  She's ten I remind myself.  I shut the tv off and try to speak, my throat filled with disbelief.  Finally I say, "A man hurt a lot of people last night during the premier of Batman."

"Oh."  She says looking at the ground. "So why are you crying?"

Another sob. Because we planned to see the movie on Saturday in a different theatre in Aurora.  Because I thought about taking you to the midnight showing.  Because so many people will never be the same.  Because of the mom of that six-year old girl.  Because of the man holding up the picture of his son, desperate for any information. Because our worst fears came true this morning.

Instead, I say, "I'm afraid."  It's like 9/11 when I was pregnant with her.  "I'm afraid because there are people out there that want to hurt other people and I can't stop it."

She replies, "I get it."

I shut off the tv and wish I could shut off the images in my head just as easily.  "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Waffles."  She answers with a smile.  "With chocolate chips."

"Okay."  I go into the kitchen to prepare her waffles and hide my tears.

Ode to my soul sister....

My washing machine and I are soul sisters. We both cycle, her more than I-thank goodness but we both take the soiled and spit out the orderly, again, she tips the scale with that one and well eventually, we will both burn out.  Never have I given her the respect she deserves.  Oh, great white metal box who I have taken for granted my whole life, would you partake in a martini while we spin our thoughts together?  You know what I cherish the most about you? You are always there, no matter what and I love how you don't care if I show up in pajamas at noon with you still holding wet, clean clothes that are beginning to smell musty.  You really know how to keep a secret, sister.

Whether her name is Maytag, Kenmore, Samsung, Whirlpool, I know them all.  I can safely say I have measured my life out with loads of dirty laundry.  Either whites with bleach or at other times, darks in cold water with straight detergent-your nectar of the gods you bring me back to reality.  No matter what I do with my life you will always be there to remind me I am a woman.  Thank you my dearest sister!

drink this...

Now what?

This thing I once craved

I begged

I hoped

I wished and dreamed

The sunrise, every morning at 6:30am

Like a cup of adrenaline

Pure and concentrated

Do I ball it up, placing it in my pocket?

Shall I turn away?

Or is it possible, could it just be…

This thing I once craved

I begged

I hoped

I wished and dreamed

A rounded expression upon my face

It is unrecognizable

Unintentional and disturbing

I am naked in the deep woods-

Searching for a rock to sit upon

And ponder how the fuck I got here.

Why don’t the blue birds sing to me-

And where are the butterflies?

The dark, anomalous shadows

And the sound of footsteps surround me

My compass lost in between milk and vodka-

It’s time to close my eyes

And feel the cold water fill my lungs

This thing,

You know, this thing I once craved

I begged

I hoped

I wished and dreamed…

10 things NOT to do when writing.

Top ten list of no-no's for a writer...

We learn from our mistakes, otherwise we have suffered unnecessarily.   I tell my children every day it's okay to make mistakes-no one is perfect because to err is human and what we do next separates us as individuals.

The writing journey I've followed these past three years taught and reminded me of some no-no's as a writer and I would like to share them with you.

1.)   Don't ever write when cooking, talking on the phone, wiping your kid's butt, or eating crackers (it's impossible to get those crumbs out of the keyboard and every time you hit the spacebar hearing that crunch! you'll be reminded of your stupidity).  Focus!

2.)  You are the most important tool in your writing so just as you recharge your laptop  you must fuel your body. So when hunger causes you to stop, practice proper nutrition.  I'm not your Mom nor am I a nutritionist-you know what's best and it doesn't include potato chips and coke.  I think it's safe to include exercise here as well.  Strap on your iPod and go for a walk to enjoy nature-it will also help to clear your head and possibly generate new ideas.   Please be careful and don't reach for the 100lb dusty weights sitting in your basement.  Work up to it.

3.)   Sleep, rest, or nap whatever you can manage when you're not thinking of what your main character will say next.  You need to get those creative juices flowing and there's nothing like giving your brain some recess time.

4.)  Alcohol.  Oh boy.  Look, I'm all for a drink or two for relaxation but don't fool yourself, writing is like driving and you can't drink and drive!  So don't do it or you'll find pure dead-end crap on your screen the next day.

5.)  Drugs.  Come on, really?

6.)  Sex.  Do you recall the Seinfeld episode when the group abstains from sex?  George becomes a scholar and Elaine turns into an airhead.  There's nothing like a good mind-blowing 'O', but be careful, too much will begin to creep into your novel....look at E.L. James-she claims to have gone through a mid-life crisis while writing the fifty shades series!

7.) Music.  Knock yourself out-whatever it takes.  A Baptist choir to death metal-again, whatever it takes.  Just to warn you though, YOUR MUSIC WILL INFLUENCE WHAT YOU WRITE, so be cautious.  Especially when writing children's literature you might not want to listen to Megadeath.

8.)  If you have children, please don't forget them.  They need you more than you need to steal a few moments on your laptop.  Set aside time first thing in the morning or at night to write.

9.)  Caffeine.  Yes!  It's like a defibrillator to the right side of your brain.  Try to limit the quantity, of course, or it will have adverse effects or even stop your heart.  Oh! And try not to add too much sugar or you'll end up a diabetic.

10.)  Your significant other.  Well, they are adults and can take care of themselves but try your best to spend some time with them instead of wondering how you're revising those first three chapters of crap your built your book upon.

Have I forgotten anything?  Please add in the comment section.